A Complete Explanation Of Everything

So, the Republic is still managerless, a good 3 months since Staunton went furiously into the night, with a hefty compensation package...

Now, whatever one might think, you can't accuse them of rushing it, so let's have a quick look at the current runners and riders...

- Terry Venables

Nicknames: El Tel

Pros: ... erm, has managed internationally? Can speak English? Would probably be able to pick Robbie Keane out of a line up?

Cons: Terry Venables. Also, slight fondness for extracurricular activities and has been purloined in the past for various financial irregularities.

Summary: In short, he's quite like Bertie, the forced smile / sneer. And you wouldn't put Bertie in charge of the country would ye? Oh shit...

- Giovanni Trappatoni

Nicknames: The Trap

Pros: Has won shitloads as a club manager. Probably couldn't pick Robbie Keane out of a line up.

Cons: Is ancient. I thought he was out of football but he apparently won the Austrian version of the Premier League with Salzburg last season.

Summary: We've always had a fondness for the Italians in Ireland and if their chippers are anything to go by, The Trap could be one tidy operator for the Republic... Will the Harry Ramsden challenge be replaced by the Fusciardi's!

- Liam Brady

Nicknames: Liamo; "Plays a different role, John"

Pros: Would be absolute dynamite for the Apres Match lads.

Cons: Serious lack of any managerial nous displayed during his various tenures.

Summary: This would be a sentimental appointment and highly unlikely. Rumoured to have told the FAI to do one after being offered a more general role in terms of development.

- Mick McCarthy

Nicknames: Captain Fantastic; That gobshite; "It's my arse in the bacon slicer..."

Pros: He hasn't gone bald yet.

Cons: Everything.

Summary: Would be a disaster. On every level.

- Gerard Houillier

Nicknames: Anything xenophobic you can imagine...

Pros: Has won some football matches.

Cons: Has lost some football matches. Quite boring really.

Summary: Might be a solid choice but hard to see his interest in the role.

Who will it be? Do we even care at this stage?

I'll be surprised if they give the nod to Trappatoni, that's probably the bookies blowing smoke up the punters nether regions to lay off some bets. They are quids in, as many runners and riders have disappeared over the past three months, O'Leary, Souness, etc.

Personally, and I know this ain't a popular view, especially as we have been down the road of an ex-international with no success before but I'd have been tempted to give Aldridge a spin. On the plus side, he's a passionate geezer with a magnificent tache and his 3/4 seasons at Tranmere mean that he was eminently more qualified than the other half of the world class appointment, Staunton, last time out.

Still, I wouldn't have sacked Kerr.

And we wouldn't have been in this mess.